Does infidelity pain ever go away? || How To Forgive Infidelity|| ErosDesire

Some years in  a relationship and been it talks with persons in romantic relationship i got to gather some details as to how to handle infidelity when i speak of infidelity, am not speaking of dates now although they all fall part of this

Does infidelity pain ever go away?

Research shows it takes about eighteen months to two years to heal from the pain of your partner's infidelity. Knowing that the pain isn't going away overnight can be helpful, and knowing that it will eventually end is also valuable in the healing process.

Can a relationship go back to normal after cheating?

“Couples do and can stay together after an affair, but it takes a lot of work to repair broken trust.” Klow says most couples don't recover when one cheats but “those that do can emerge stronger from having gone through the process of recovering from the affair.” It takes time, however.

Is it true once a cheater always?

The phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater" suggests that anyone who has ever had an affair will cheat again in the future. But there isn't one all-encompassing profile of a cheater, and people cheat for different reasons. So psychotherapist claims the phrase isn't necessarily true.

Forgiveness is releasing feelings of anger, hatred, bitterness, murder and revenge - the all consuming negative energy that is destroying the life and health of the victim who has been hurt. Some may call this letting go or acceptance.

How To Forgive Infidelity

Experts agree that encouraging this type of forgiveness will benefit the victim once an adequate grieving period has been embraced. 

Forgiveness is not synonymous with restoration. Restoring the relationship will take the effort of both parties and is therefore not always possible, nor advisable. Sometimes one party is unwilling to do the work of restoration or to change.

Within the context of forgiveness, there are two types. In the first, the offending party is truly sorry and asking for forgiveness, which makes forgiveness much easier. In the second situation the offending party is not sorry making it much more difficult, but it is still necessary to forgive them for your own benefit as to not allow that person to ruin your future as well as your past.

Note this article is for persons who believe is revitalizing their relationship if you have less commitment to this don't waste eye or ear space on this; but if you believe you can make you relationship work lets continue

Forgiveness is a process. 

It is also important to realize that forgiveness is not synonymous with forgetting. Memory banks work great. Everything I have ever experienced is stored there. The difference is that when I do the work of forgiving, although I still remember, the stinging pain no longer accompanies the memory.

It is also important to know that our feelings always follow our thoughts and not the other way around. We have the ability to control our thoughts. Forgiveness is a choice. When I choose to forgive someone, at first my feelings do not agree. What this means is, when I think of the person and what they have done to me, I automatically feel pain. 

I want the other person to pay a price for the wrong they have brought against me. Unfortunately in the case of adultery, what has been wronged cannot be righted. It’s water under the bridge. I can’t get the purity of my marriage back. Forgiveness means I make a choice to give up my resentment and my right to punish the person for what they have done. (Forgiveness does not mean that I allow this individual to continue to mistreat me.)

Forgiveness takes time and effort.

Perhaps I make a choice to forgive, but I don’t feel like I have forgiven. The memory of what has happened flashes through my mind and it is accompanied with feelings of pain and anger and a desire for revenge. Then, I consciously choose to think “I forgive so-and-so.” At first I must do this many times a day (and I still feel the pain and the anger). Also when the thoughts return to me, I do not allow myself to dwell on them negatively, only in constructive ways to learn and understand more of what happened, to process the event and to move forward and heal. Eventually, the memory returns less often, and I am gradually able to put my thoughts and energy back into living a constructive and healthy life. Gradually each time the memory returns the pain decreases, until I reach a place where I rarely feel the stinging pain accompanied with the memory any longer. I am finally at peace. 

Another important step in forgiving affairs is education. The more I understand about affairs the easier it becomes to forgive. Educating myself, again, is my choice.

In battles to forgive, it is also important for me to understand the truth about human beings. The truth is that we ALL fall short of our own ideals at times. While we don’t all have affairs, all of us have hurt someone and/or disappointed someone in some way at some time. No one has ever lived a perfect life. Remembering that I myself have sometimes done the wrong things helps me to forgive someone else. Have you never stood in a situation where you needed to ask someone for forgiveness? As long as I think of myself as better than someone else, I will have trouble forgiving. I need to be careful not to think of myself more highly than I ought, but rather with sober judgment in accordance with what is true.

Now I have to want to restore the relationship.

A partner who has been unfaithful may believe once they are forgiven, the relationship will return to the way it was or be automatically repaired. But this may not be the case. Even when a person is able to forgive, they may still not be ready to repair the relationship, at that time or at any time.

Restoration is not always the goal of infidelity recovery, and infidelity recovery does not have to involve both partners. Sometimes one or both partners may choose to heal alone. Forgiving a partner who was unfaithful may, to some, mean moving on from the relationship. Some partners who were unfaithful may similarly choose to move on from the relationship.

I try to understand and educate that there are levels to recovery.

The first level, forgiveness, involves releasing the self from the pain of this action. People may struggle to heal when they are consumed by pain.

The next level is reconciliation. This level is different for everyone. Many couples may find this to be the most comfortable goal of counseling, as they want to build something new together out of the rubble of their old relationship. Realizing the old relationship was broken, they choose to work to create a new one that incorporates their prior experience. This can be a cautious approach, as the partner who experienced betrayal may continue to scan the relationship for any signs of danger well into the healing process.

The highest level of forgiveness is restoration. This is a level many couples aspire to, as it generally indicates the relationship is restored to its previous standing.

In most cases the first level is sufficient for individuals who choose to recover on their own. Reconciliation is necessary to rebuild trust, but it is important to remember forgiveness does not automatically mean reconciliation will follow.

Now I must be ready to trust completely.

I’ve heard partners who have been unfaithful say, “If you forgive me, then you have to trust me.” I work diligently to teach them forgiveness and trust are two separate events. Forgiveness can mean a partner wants to trust again at some point, but it may not yet be possible. Forgiveness helps the person forgiving find release from pain, while trust can allow the person who was forgiven to find release from guilt. The act of rebuilding trust also requires the participation of both partners.

After infidelity, most couples struggle to find a way to ease the pain, and forgiveness may seem like a less-painful way out. Unfortunately, when a partner who has been betrayed is rushed to forgive, increased pain and distance is often the result. While in some cases, forgiveness may not be possible, in other cases being unable to forgive may prolong pain.

Finding the place where forgiveness is beneficial can be a delicate process, and patience, with both the self and with one’s partner, is more likely to aid recovery than forcing the process. No recovery has a timeline or a shortcut. Recovering is hard work, whether partners choose to end a relationship or attempt to rebuild it. In either case, recovering from infidelity can present an opportunity for both partners to find strength and grow, and couples counseling can be a helpful step in this process.

WHAT FORGIVENESS CAN SIGNIFY—AND WHAT IT DOESN’T

After infidelity comes to light, the person who was unfaithful may hope to be forgiven right away. While forgiveness may be a necessary part of infidelity recovery, it generally does not occur at the beginning of the recovery process. In my experience, forgiveness more often comes near the end of the process.  To the partner who was betrayed, forgiveness often means the end of the journey. Why? Because forgiveness can feel dangerous.

Forgiveness can feel dangerous because, to some, it may indicate certain beliefs they may not necessarily support. Let’s consider a few of those.

I can never feel hurt or upset again.

When an affair is discovered, couples who are trying to reconcile may fall into opposite roles. The partner who was betrayed is the “good” partner while the partner who was unfaithful is the “bad” one. They remain in these roles until the “good” partner sees the “bad” partner begin to understand the hurt they experienced as a result of the “bad” partner’s actions.

Hurt stemming from a breach of trust such as infidelity may cause emotions and symptoms that affect activities of daily life. In this case, the betrayed partner may feel it’s better to forgive for the good of the relationship, but that doing so will remove the pain from the experience. By forgiving, they might feel, they can never try to heal from the pain or learn what is needed to prevent it from happening again.

But forgiveness does not wipe away or invalidate the pain or trauma resulting from an act of infidelity, nor does it indicate the person who was betrayed no longer experiences those emotions.

I am excusing or accepting your behavior.

Many partners I’ve worked with struggle with the idea that forgiving infidelity does not mean the behavior is acceptable. Some equate it to raising children: if there are no consequences to deter behavior, then the behavior is excused. Partners who have been betrayed may feel by forgiving, they are offering the partner who was unfaithful a “get out of jail free” card.