Secluded Empathy

Empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within their frame of reference, that is, the capacity to place oneself in another's position.

There are many definitions for empathy that encompass a broad range of emotional states. Types of empathy include cognitive empathy, emotional empathy, and somatic empathy.

Been Too Empathic?

Unlike sympathy, which simply means feeling sadness or pity for someone who is undergoing some type of hardship, empathy promotes selfless compassion and action on behalf of another person or group of people.

While this sounds like a positive, highly ethical and well-principled practice, some people believe having too much empathy can be detrimental to one's own well-being and even to the world at large.

Too much empathy interferes with rational decision-making, causing us to lead with our hearts rather than by our heads, losing the broader picture or long-term consequences of overly empathic behavior.

Using Empathy Effectively

To start using empathy more effectively, consider the following:

Put aside your viewpoint, and try to see things from the other person's point of view.

When you do this, you'll realize that other people most likely aren't being evil, unkind, stubborn, or unreasonable – they're probably just reacting to the situation with the knowledge they have.

Validate the other person's perspective.

Once you "see" why others believe what they believe, acknowledge it. Remember: acknowledgment does not always equal agreement. You can accept that people have different opinions from your own, and that they may have good reason to hold those opinions.

Examine your attitude.

Are you more concerned with getting your way, winning, or being right? Or, is your priority to find a solution, build relationships, and accept others? Without an open mind and attitude, you probably won't have enough room for empathy.

Listen.

Listen  to the entire message that the other person is trying to communicate.

Listen with your ears – what is being said, and what tone is being used?

Listen with your eyes – what is the person doing with his or her body while speaking?

Listen with your instincts – do you sense that the person is not communicating something important?

Listen with your heart – what do you think the other person feels?

Ask what the other person would do.

When in doubt, ask  the person to explain his position. This is probably the simplest, and most direct, way to understand the other person. However, it's probably the least used way to develop empathy.

It's fine if you ask what the other person wants: 

you don't earn any "bonus points" for figuring it out on your own.

For example, the boss who gives her young team members turkey vouchers for the holidays, when most of them don't even cook, is using her idea of a practical gift – not theirs.

Practice these skills when you interact with people. You'll likely appear much more caring and approachable – simply because you increase your interest in what others think, feel, and experience. It's a great gift to be willing and able to see the world from a variety of perspectives – and it's a gift that you can use all of the time, in any situation.

Here are some more tips for an empathic conversation:

Pay attention, physically and mentally, to what's happening. Listen carefully, and note the keywords and phrases that people use.

Respond encouragingly to the central message.Be flexible – prepare to change direction as the other person's thoughts and feelings also change.

Look for cues that you're on target.